The Not So Happy New Year

Monsters are not for bright sunny days, they are for the gloomy ones, they adore darkness, they thrive in darkness; so, I’m aware that´s why when I’m home alone or as the sun goes down the beast goes fully awake, then I can hear it whispering…

I can´t recall which friend or relative once told me that writing was oh so easy, but when I find out, I would befriend him right away; this old cliché of being a Grinch is unnerving me today, well, not so much, there is something relieving about writing still in my pajamas at 5pm, while the husband and kids are all into videogames and I´m adding everything I can find in a cooking pot to make some stew. Multitasking? Yep!

A mother should always be ready to clean the house, cook for picky hungry T-rex eaters, clean the mess after or at least have enough energy to send the kids to do it, and all that stuff without forgetting to be pretty, loving, having sufficient time to exercise and to develop professionally, and to be herself, of course… easy, isn´t it?

If my mother, who divorced quite young, my grandmother, my mother in law, and most of my friends could do it, why can´t I? Sorry, today I feel stubborn as a donkey and I´m not in the mood to call all the relatives for the best wishes of a new year.

Dunno why I´m so touchy right away, perhaps because like tots, I woke up annoyed after a cat nap, or because I feel that twinge in my eye after a small migraine episode. Anyway, I should feel happy, and Christmassy, and grateful for everything I have, that´s the sparkling attitude everybody around me is used to; but being always golden-retriever-happy is tiresome, at least for me, especially when you need to fake it because you don´t really feel this way lately, after a full year having a severe depression. It´s difficult to forget the old ways and start acting like some Santa’s elf jingling upstairs and downstairs. Perhaps those who have naughty children and a spouse that looks at you as if you were going to jump out of the roof every time the smile saps from your face, would understand; but don´t worry, don´t call the emergency squad, I don´t feel suicidal anymore, just trying to vent all those feelings inside me that just nag my insides like a fastidious gremlin, if I keep tonight my night lamp on until I get asleep, you know why.

Somewhere I read that “only I know enough about me to talk ill of me” that´s true, for I’m not always the feisty person everybody knows, there´s a bit of Mr. Hyde in me, the part that nobody can see because I keep it inside a dungeon under my bed with only one sentinel, me. The problem of being the only keeper of a monster is that I’m the only one that hears it scream.

Monsters are not for bright sunny days, they are for the gloomy ones, they adore darkness, they thrive in darkness; so, I’m aware that´s why when I’m home alone or as the sun goes down the beast goes fully awake, then I can hear it whispering, most of the time, I’m too busy to listen, I tend to ignore it, sometimes though, the monster gets annoyed of being constantly ignored and screams, and scratches, and yells, in those moments I feel like yelling back, but then I imagine my family chasing me with a straitjacket so, no thanks.

For you who are reading this, please don´t run either, for the monster isn´t exactly real, nor my imaginary friend, it´s more like other people´s depiction of a little angel and a little devil whispering and sitting at their shoulders, if so, what happened to my little angel? I hope it didn´t become a munchie for the thing under my bed and I could hear it again.

Anyway, the last year I really had to do without it, as the worst depression ever struck me hard, perhaps it took a sabbatical year and now it´s back, with a skeleton key so I don´t have to know so much of the monster lately, because as the source of my funny mood has been stopped, some sequels always remains, not wanting to open the wound again and with my headache presently at bay, I’ll keep the beast laughing at the bottom of its cage, venting some pressure puts it to hibernate a bit, so it´s time to enjoy dinner.

Damn, the rice is burning! Got to go… bye!

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